


Just Another Life

by adr3stia



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Sort Of, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:40:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25733710
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adr3stia/pseuds/adr3stia
Summary: Alexander doesn't return from a mission.Or, that one story we've all read about that I couldn't stop myself from writing.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens
Comments: 15
Kudos: 78





	Just Another Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CastielWho](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CastielWho/gifts), [buriedhopes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/buriedhopes/gifts).



"General, may I come in?"

Washington raised his head from his desk. "Yes, lieutenant. What is it?"

"Lee just got back. You're going to want to hear what he has to say."

"Send him in." He sternly replied. He couldn't help but wonder who they had lost this time, his gut twisting with a familiar sense of worry.

"General, may I come in?"

He barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. "Yes, Lee. I called you in, didn't I? Now, do you have a report on the latest mission?"

"I do, sir, although there's news I'd like to tell first."

Washington took a deep breath. 

_Who is it?_

"Do tell, Lee."

"I did all I could do, General, I tried-"

" _Lee._ " Washington cut him off. "Who is it?"

Lee took a deep breath.

"It's Hamilton, sir."

Washington felt his blood run cold. He had long given up on trying to find a reason behind his soldiers' deaths by relying on a higher power but, this time around, he couldn't help but wonder why of all people a boy, _his_ boy, had to be taken away from them so soon.

"We lost him while crossing the river back to camp. Like I said, I did all I could, but, you see, we were under attack-"

"Thank you, Lee. You may leave now. Deliver your full report as soon as you can."

"Yes, General." He left without another word.

As soon as he was alone, he took his head in his hands. It would be natural to think that, after a while in such a context, it becomes much easier to deal with death and process grief.

It doesn't.

He started pacing around the room, attempting to calm his emotions enough to decide what to do next.

He quickly stopped, millions of thoughts running through his head. He asked someone to send Lafayette in, and he sat back down, desperately trying to calm himself and stubbornly refusing to look at the small desk that belonged to Alexander, his papers still scattered all over as if they were waiting for him to get back to them.

"General, you asked to see me?"

He stood up. "Marquis, please come in. There's something we need to discuss."

"Of course, General, what is it?"

Washington took a deep breath. "Hamilton did not return from the mission."

He went quiet for a second. "I'll put together a search party then."

"Marquis."

"How many men do you think we'll need? Did Lee say where approximately they lost him? We must hurry, it's getting dark-"

" _Gilbert_." Washington interrupted him, rubbing a hand on his face. "He's gone."

"With all due respect, no sir, he's still out there. He has to be-"

"As much as I want that to be true, we both know it's not. Now, I know I'm asking a lot of you, especially during this time, but you have work to do, so compose yourself."

He took a deep breath and nodded shakily. "What is it?"

"Find Laurens. Get him away from the other soldiers. He has to hear the news from you, without anybody around. I wouldn't want any other soldier to... _see_."

Lafayette coughed slightly, visibly fidgeting and straightening up his back. "See what, General?"

Washington almost smiled. "I might be old, but I'm not stupid, son. What those boys have-" He stopped, closing his eyes. " _Had_ , is different. Make sure you let Laurens down gently."

"I'll try, sir." He nodded and left without another word, barely keeping his tears from falling.

He found John sitting under a tree, reading a letter. He raised his head when he heard his footsteps and smiled, pocketing his letter. "Hey, Laf. What's up?"

"John, come with me for a moment."

He tilted his head. "Why?"

"There's something we need to discuss." He looked around briefly. "Alone."

He got up, a mixture of confusion and amusement on his face. "What is it?"

"Just follow me." He started walking away from camp, ignoring a few curious glances and John's rapid questions as he walked behind him.

"C'mon, Laf, what's going on? Where are you taking me?" Lafayette picked up his pace. 

"Fine, don't tell me. By the way," he caught up with him. "I saw Lee just got back from the mission, where's Alexander?"

Lafayette abruptly stopped, eyes glistening with tears.

"Laf?"

"He didn't make it, John." He turned to face him.

John stared at him for a second. As he waited for John to react, all Lafayette could think of was how destructively Achilles had taken in the news of Patroclus dying on the battlefield, and how he expected his friend to behave almost the same.

Instead, John burst out laughing.

"That's a good one, Laf. Now let's go back to camp, yeah?"

Lafayette kept holding his gaze, tears now freely falling on his face. "I'm so sorry."

"No." John started, shaking his head. "It's not true. You're wrong. You're just joking, right? It's all a big, stupid joke and I fell for it, and now Alex is coming up right behind me to deliver the punchline, right?" He turned around once, then twice. Lafayette felt his heart shattering a little more. "Because it's not true, it can't be, he's not-" He stopped talking, a knot in his throat from the tears filling his eyes.

His knees gave out, and he fell to the ground.

Lafayette embraced him, gently rocking him as he frantically shook his head. "I'm so sorry, John, I'm so sorry."

After a few moments in which he shook in silence, he softly spoke up. "I need a moment alone, Laf."

"I don't think that's wise-"

He looked up. "Please." He closed his eyes, a few tears escaping. "I just need a minute." 

Lafayette reluctantly got up, softly patting his friend on his shoulder as he walked away.

No matter how often it happens, every time an Achilles loses his Patroclus, the world seems to stop turning for a while, the stars shine a little less bright, and the moon stays clouded a bit longer, just so the universe gets to pay its respects.

John looked up at the sky. "I wish you were here." He chuckled. "You know, for obvious reasons, of course, but also because you were so good with words, you would always know what to say to make me feel better. And I know you'd make me feel better even now, now that it's all gone to shit." He hastily wiped at his eyes, smiling through the tears. "You'd probably say how yours is just another little, meaningless life, and how in the grand scheme of things we're just pawns of the revolution. And I'd probably slap you in the face and remind you of how you make this little, meaningless life of mine feel a bit less so. You'd ramble on about how you don't mind dying for the cause, and how I shouldn't care that you're gone either." He looked up at the sky again, his eyes scanning the myriad of stars to find the brightest one, fixating his eyes on it. "Come back to me, Alex. You were supposed to come back to me. You _promised_ you would." He desperately tried to hold back tears as he stood up and headed back to camp, trying to stop himself from denying that Alexander was not coming back, despite all his promises, because he _had_ promised. 

Just like every time the two were on different missions, he had promised he would keep in mind that someone was waiting for him to come back, meaning he wouldn't do anything rash or particularly stupid, just to ensure coming back.

John hardly ever trusted people's empty words, but since Alexander had never once lied to him, he found it surprisingly hard to wrap his head around the fact that he _had_ lied this time around.

Lafayette was waiting for him nearby. When he saw him, he hugged him, holding on a little tighter and a little longer than usual.

When they got back to camp, they got a few sympathetic glances and pats on the back by other soldiers who knew about how close they were.

Of course, no one knew _exactly_ how close.

He wasn't sure how long it had been, maybe ten minutes, maybe three hours. He was only sure of two things: one, alcohol weirdly wasn't helping, and two, he would need to ask the General to move him to another tent, given that there was not a single thing in his tent that didn't remind him of Alexander.

As he was nursing his bottle, he heard loud noises outside of his tent and voices yelling. 

He got up, slightly stumbling his way out of his tent, walking towards the noises alongside other curious soldiers.

"Lee, you son of a bitch!"

What he saw was Alexander, very much alive, soaking wet, yelling at an incredulous Lee.

When he tried to charge him, John stepped in and grabbed him by his hair.

"Ow, what- _Laurens_? What the fuck, John, let me go-"

"You shut the fuck up." He barked. He let go of his hair, pulling him away from the others, ignoring his protests and pleas.

He tackled him to the ground as soon as they were alone.

"John, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Me? What's wrong with you! I thought you were dead!"

"Well, I'm not!"

He stared at him and let him go. "Are you hurt?"

"I wasn't when I got here, but you took care of that."

John stared at him in silence before pulling him into a hug.

"Hey, you."

John chuckled, a few tears slipping from his eyes. "You're alive."

"And you've been drinking, what the hell happened?"

John pulled away, wiping at his eyes. "Take a guess, you idiot."

Alexander looked at him closely. "Were you _crying_?"

"You seem surprised."

"Well, yeah. Even if I had died, it wouldn't have mattered much, I mean I'm just _me_ , in the grand scheme of things I'm all but a pawn in-"

John smiled and cut him off, pulling him into a kiss.

Alexander pulled back and took John's face in his hand. "Besides all that," he said softly, "I promised I would come back, didn't I?"

John nodded, leaning into the touch. "I'm glad you're here."

"I'm glad too." He stood up. "Now let's go, I'm fucking freezing, and I have a bitch to kill for leaving me behind in a fucking _river_." John laughed, following him back to camp. 

Alexander was surprised to see how relieved his fellow soldiers, from Lafayette, to Washington, even _Lee_ looked when they saw he was alive.

When he told John later that night, he held him a little tighter and whispered: "Your life is much less meaningless than you make it out to be."

"I still don't get why you started to cry and got shitfaced drunk over _me_."

John made him turn around to face him. "How do you not get it?" Alexander shrugged, John shook his head. "It might be a pretty self-entitled question, but how would you react if I didn't come back from a mission?" Alexander looked away.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Seriously, Alex, how-"

"Stop." He held his gaze. "I don't even want to think about it."

"Then I guess you get my point."

"Well, you're _you_ , I'm just-"

"When will you realize that I worship you?"

Alexander snorted. "Yeah, right."

John rolled his eyes. "Someday, you'll realize how much I truly love you, and then maybe you'll find it barely fitting that the world stopped turning when I thought you were dead."

Alexander fully understood John's words many, many months later, when a letter from Henry Laurens made _his_ world stop turning.

Because you see, it's like I said, every time an Achilles loses his Patroclus, nothing feels the same.

**Author's Note:**

> I know, it's clichè, it could have been better and it wasn't supposed to be so sad, you can yell at me in the comments. Aside from some shameless self-promotion - check out the rest of my works - I don't really have much to say.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this!!


End file.
